I don't just listen; I write it down.
Tatamarin ka nang maghabi ng pantasya sa isip mo.
Magigising ka na lang na tulala at nakatingala sa kisame,
sabay sabing……. “Bahala Ka na nga.”
Believe it or not, it feels good to cry.
Cry even when you don’t know the reason why.
Just cry. Pour everything out.
Why not ask, scream, or shout?
Cry and feel awesome when you’re done
Cry and feel something comes out aside from tears
Cry and the weight on your chest,
the weight on your shoulder eventually disappear.
So cry, whether you are male or female.
Cry when songs remind you of something or someone else.
Cry even when you do not know the reason.
Cry as if you’re crying with joy.
Cry as if you are a new born baby,
calling Abba, Father, my Daddy.
Crying gives awesome feeling as laughing does.
Cry and finally say,
Believe it or not, it feels good to cry.
While enjoying our Victory Group at Burger King-Calamba, one of my group mates asked an astonishing question. She asked why God created us and, despite of His being omniscient, let things happened up to the extent that He had to die to give salvation to everyone. She added that God could actually kill Adam and Eve when they sinned and did not let man grow in population and eventually pollute the world with sin. No Jesus needed to be sacrificed for mankind if God did not create us or even let us grow in population.
I was speechless. I tried to answer using my “amateur theology” but I could not. None of us was able to give her the exact answer. What actually struck me was not the question but what she exclaimed, “I don’t want to be here (on earth) either.”
I went home meditating on the discussion we had. If I answer her question now, I will say that God created us to shower His love to us. We are His object of love. He wants “something” to love not because He is incomplete but because His fullness is superb that He created “something” to experience His fullness. Honestly, I am not sure if my answer is correct or not. I don’t care. What I know is I based it on how I experience God’s love now. Just to balance everything, experiencing God’s love does not mean no more trials come my way at all. There are still trials, but treating them with much optimism, knowing that God has a wonderful plan for all.
It is written, God wants nothing from us but to live our life to the full (John 10:10). Personally, I find it shocking. I thought we have a God who wants us to sacrifice everything we have – time, attention, money, and so on. As God opened my eyes and ears for me to know His fullness, I understood that God wants nothing from me but to receive everything from Him. Yeah. That’s what He wants from me.
I don’t want to give conclusion or judgment to her statement. I know her. She loves God and she is a disciple of Christ. Honestly, I had the same thought before. Last year, I was suicidal and questioning God for giving me life just to experience too much suffering in this world. Now, I think I could not exclaim a statement like that anymore. Why? This is because I love to be in this world. Despite of the poverty and all negativities I witness, I love the truth that God created Nicalyn Agor. I love my past, my present, and my future! Yeah, I love it!
If I did not exist, I will not experience being loved and being in love. I will not be able to experience embracing my youngest sister Psyche, laughing with my friends, praying for my future husband, crying for the failures I’ve done, grieving for my brother and realize that life is so short to waste, and so on. I will not be able to experience tasting my favorite dessert. I will not be able to brainstorm with other people. In short, there are various things to miss if I did not exist – both good and bad moments that helped build my character.
If there is love I would miss if I did not exist is the love that comes from God. Believe it or not, the love He gives is incomparable. The commitment He gave to me (and to you) produced a lasting intimacy that I enjoy so much. I wanted to know Him more and more – His fullness, His manner of loving, His plans for me, His strategy to put me out of a trouble, and so on. He is my Prince Charming as well as my Knight in shining armor. The reason I aspire, plan, and act is because I find joy in doing it. I enjoy chatting with God as I do every little chore. God is my everything. He is the reason I live.
So this is why I exist: to enjoy His grace and love.